Written by Janessa M. Borges, LCSW, Naples Oceanside Wellness, LLC
How to tell when it’s the right time for you and your partner to seek help from a professional.
Fighting, silent-treatments, back-biting – it’s all in full swing at your house. It’s very evident that your loved one is not keeping their promise to love and cherish you forever. Is this the final straw? Or should you hold out a little longer?
Conflict in relationships are not only harmful to yours and your partner’s relationship, but can also negatively impact your physical and mental wellbeing. Not to mention the effect it has on other family members like children!
Relationship distress can lead to couples saying hurtful things, and can create a barrier of mistrust and tense interactions around a strained relationship. Each partner may feel disconnected, unsafe, and insecure in the face of emotional distance.
Couples counseling, or couples therapy, has been effective in helping 70% of couples to improve their relationship and learn to communicate effectively with one another. And the results are long lasting, as long as both partners are willing to do their part.
Here are a few interesting facts:
- 31% of couples take a premarital relationship education program.
- Only 19% of couples actually seek out some form of couples therapy and only 37% of divorced couples worked with a professional prior to signing the papers.
- The average couple waits six years before seeking professional help for marital problems.
There is a stigma involved with couples therapy and many couples are ashamed of it. They might feel that therapy makes them look weak, or that they are admitting that there is something wrong in the marriage and they cannot handle it themselves. Others tend to deny or avoid the issues to avoid confrontation by their partner or other family members. Some individuals would argue that the fault is completely their partners’ and not their own.
The list goes on. Some couples might fear that therapy will put an extra strain on their relationship and make things worse, while others avoid it because of the perceived financial burden. And sharing personal, vulnerable information with a professional stranger might cause individuals to feel uncomfortable.
Marriage and couples counseling might be difficult to consider, but every relationship requires two individuals working together to solve the perceived problems. It is not an easy thing to do, but when both partners remain committed to the relationship, the process can become easier with each visit and the results of therapy may create a better relationship.
So, when is it time to go to couples therapy?
When To Pursue Couples Therapy
In the United States alone, 40-50% of all first marriages end in divorce.9 Second marriages have even higher rates of divorce, ranging between 60-65%.10 Additionally, some couples choose to stay married in an unhappy partnership due to financial reasons, children, not wanting to be alone, or the shame or failure.
“Individuals at the crossroads of divorce can sometimes feel like they have to choose between two competing options. ‘Do I divorce so that I can find happiness again, or do I stay together for the family’s sake and remain unhappy?’ We think that is a false choice. There is good evidence to suggest that with the proper help and willingness on the part of both spouses, many marriages that might otherwise end in divorce can become healthy, vibrant, and supportive.”
– Hawkins, Fackrell, & Harris, Should I Try to Work it Out?
Could My Partner and I Benefit from Couples Therapy?
There are certain behaviors and things to look for to determine whether you and your partner would be good candidates for couples counseling. These behaviors include:
- Commitment and trust issues
- Not putting partner first, putting your own needs first
- Escalating conflict and poor communication habits
- Feeling lonely, emotionally distant from your partner, and unfulfilled
- Feeling like you’ve fallen out of love
- Insecurities, low self-worth, and fears of abandonment
- Extreme codependency or independence
- Little or no sexual intimacy
- Lack of support from partner
- Abuse, harmful or costly addictions (drugs, alcohol, gambling, porn, etc.)
- Unequal balance of responsibilities
- Difficult childhood upbringings that have emotionally wounded partners and make it difficult to trust your partner or stay engaged when conflict arises.
Do any of the above sound familiar? They’re actually quite common in relationships!
A well-trained couples counselor seeks to deeply understand you and your partner and can support your relationship by implementing strategies and tools to change the way you communicate with one another. The professional can also shift unhealthy dynamics in your relationship and uncover hidden yet vulnerable feelings and viewpoints that are difficult to discuss.
Your couples counselor can help you bring forth difficult and vulnerable feelings and ideas in a way that helps your partner see you better and helps create a recipe to win your heart back. He or she will create a safe environment where you and your partner can comfortably share information that will help them to better understand you both.
Understand that couples counseling is not meant to work for every couple. Sometimes accessing difficult feelings and shedding a light on the underlying problems may lead you both to decide to divorce. For highly conflicted couples, research indicates that this can be healthy.12
What If My Partner Won’t Go To Couples Therapy?
Couples therapy is a mutual decision, both parties must agree to go. If your partner is not convinced, ask them to explain why and give it some time if needed. Be as understanding as possible. If there are any books or online materials that you can both research together on maintaining your relationship, use that as a starting point until you both can commit to therapy.
It is very common for individuals to reach out and start therapy because their partner is unavailable (physically or emotionally), unwilling, or because they don’t believe the relationship is “in danger.” I have implemented specific strategies that have supported one individual in a couple learn to truly reflect, process, heal, learn how to communicate and proactively change the dynamic of the relationship even when their partner is unwilling to participate. If this is you, don’t lost hope.
Prevention is Key
While many couples who attend couples therapy are distressed, unhappy, and in emotional pain, not everyone is. Some attend couples therapy as a means for problem prevention.
As suggested in Divorce Prevention: The Light Switch of Love Dilemma, the best intervention for a bad relationship is prevention and maintenance. Attending couples therapy can help you and your partner to build healthy relationship skills and habits that equip you with the tools to overcome issues that can arise anytime.
Just like a car needing fuel, gas, washes and other regular maintenance, if your partnership becomes stagnant and nothing is done to improve your relationship, even without abuse or destructive behaviors, the relationship can still decline over time.
Some therapists offer yearly Couple Checkups to help you explore and understand your relationship strengths and find opportunities for improvement. They may examine how well your relationship functions and suggest a few exercises to help strengthen weak areas that could use improvement.
Couples therapy can benefit every couple in one way or another. As a marriage and couples counselor, I help couples develop a self-awareness of recurring destructive patterns, reconnect with one another, strengthen their relationship, and heal from emotional pain.
In couples therapy, I can help you change patterns of unhealthy communication and chronic conflict/tension, navigate infidelity, increase intimacy, trust, and help you reconnect with your partner. Schedule an appointment with me today!
Resources
1Whisman, M. (2007). Marital distress and DSM-IV psychiatric disorders in a population based national survey. Journal of Abnormal Psychology, 116, 638-643.
2Robles, T., Slatcher, R., Trombello, J., & McGinn, M. (2014). Marital quality and health: A meta-analytic review. Psychological Bulletin, 140, 140-187.
3Albrow, J., Measelle, J., Cowan, P., & Cowan, C. (2009). Linking marital conflict and children’s adjustment: The role of young children’s perceptions. Journal of Family Psychology, 23, 485-499.
4Lebow, J. L., Chambers, A. L., Christensen, A., & Johnson, S. M. (2012). Research on the treatment of couple distress. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 38(1), 145-168.
5Stanley, S., Amato, P., Johnson, C., & Markman, H. (2006). Premartial education, marital quality, and marital stability. Findings from a large, random, household survey. Journal of Family Psychology, 20, 117-126.
6Johnson, C., Stanely, S., Glenn, N., Amato, P., Nock, S., Markman, H., & Dion, M. (2002). Marriage in Oklahoma: 2001 baseline statewide survey on marriage and divorce (SO2096 OKDHS). Oklahoma City, OK: Oklahoma Department of Human Services.
7Gottman, J. M. (1994). What predicts divorce? The relationship between marital processes and marital outcomes. Hillsdale, NK: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates
8The reason I use the word may is because sometimes things will be shared that will be deal-breakers for one partner thus leading to the end of the relationship. Or one partner has already emotionally divorced the other and has no desire to work on the relationship. These couples are among the 30% of couples who therapy has not worked. See discernment counseling below for another path.
9Whitehead, B. D. (2007). The state of our unions 2007: The social health of marriage in America. Piscataway, NJ: National Marriage project (see pp. 18-19).
10Bramlett, M. D., & Mosher, W. D. (2002). Cohabitation, marriage, divorce, and remarriage in the United States. Vital and Health Statistics, 23(22).
11If these are actively happening in your relationship and your partner shows no remorse or willingness to change their behavior, then divorce may be the best option.
12Some research suggests that when individuals in high conflict marriages divorce, their happiness and wellbeing improves on average. Source: Amato, P. R., & Hohmann-Marriot, B. (2007). A comparison of high- and low-distress marriages that end in divorce. Journal of Marriage and Family, 69, 621-638.
13Doherty, W. J., Harris, S. M., & Wilde, J. L. (2016). Discernment Counseling for “Mixed-Agenda” Couples. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 42(2), 246–255.
14Hawkins, A. J., Fackwell, T. A., & Harris, S. M. (2013). Should I try to work it out? A guidebook for individuals and couples at the crossroads of divorce. CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform.
