People-pleasing is the act of chronically prioritizing others’ needs, wants, or feelings at the expense of, or to the detriment of, our own needs, wants, or feelings. When one people-pleases in their relationships, they slowly lose touch with their sense of identity.
If you’re a people-pleaser, breaking the people-pleasing pattern will allow you to give freely and lovingly to your partner with no strings attached. And it means that you’ll be able to meet your own needs while also being available to your partner’s love, help, and support.
How to start breaking the people-pleasing pattern:
Learn to identify your own needs and wants.
Figure out what you really want from beneath the layers of conditioned people-pleasing. Journaling, meditation, or self-reflection are excellent ways to discover your needs.
Return to your body.
People-pleasing leads to chronically living in others’ minds, hearts, and bodies. A great way to return to and prioritize the self is to literally return to the self with a grounding exercise. If you’re in a scenario where you’re likely to people-please, say, “Let me think about that” and take a pause to pay attention to your body. From this place, you might ask yourself, what do you want right now, and see what arises.
Set boundaries.
Boundaries are a form of self-protection. They clearly assert what you will or will not tolerate and set clear expectations and limitations in your relationships with others. For the most challenging boundaries, consider writing down some simple scripts and practice them in advance.
Share with your partner how they can support your individuation.
Your partner can be a valuable ally on this journey. Consider sharing with them your commitment to maintain a strong sense of self in your relationship.
Source: Gottman Connect
