Written by Janessa M. Borges, LCSW, Naples Oceanside Wellness, LLC
Tell me if this sounds familiar. You’ve had some struggles with your partner and started seeing a couples therapist together. During each session you and your partner took turns venting and complaining, while the therapist took notes, and each session ended quickly. As weeks went by, the therapy continued while the arguments and tension in your relationship also continued. You’re both stewing now and considering a separation or divorce. Does this sound like you? What went wrong?
Perhaps you were not seeing an effective or legitimate couples therapist.
Unfortunately many therapists claim that they are couples therapists, while they have only been trained in individual counseling.
Finding a legitimate couples therapist can make or break your relationship, so choose wisely. As daunting as the task may seem, it is so important to do your research beforehand to find not only a therapist, but a legitimate, licensed couples therapist who will work to improve the relationship between you and your partner.
On that note, I’d like to offer some tips on finding the best couples therapist who can give you their full support and guidance to not only salvage the relationship, but help create a stronger and more meaningful bond.
- Don’t settle for just any “therapist” – As previously mentioned, when doing your research, make sure your therapist is licensed and trained in couples therapy. I can’t stress this enough. Whether that’s a specific marriage and family counselor, social worker, psychologist, etc., be sure to check their credentials to see what they do and more specifically, what areas in couples therapy they specialize in. For example, if you’re dealing with issues of abuse, trauma, grief, or sexual incompatibility, be sure to find a couples therapist who can offer clinically proven methods of intervention to work with those specific issues.
- Make sure it’s a good “fit” – Find a way to connect with your therapist before establishing a long term relationship. You can do this by calling ahead and interviewing the counselor, or by using the first one or two sessions to determine your compatibility. Here are 10 questions you can ask your therapist:
- What license and formal education do you have?
- How long have you been practicing counseling? Couples therapy?
- How much of your work is with couples?
- Do you specialize in any subcategories?
- What is your opinion on divorce? Do you ever recommend divorce?
- Are you confident that you can salvage our relationship?
- What improvements have you seen in your clients?
- How would you define a successful relationship?
- What percentage of your clients have seen improvement in their relationship as a result of your therapy?
- How long does (issue) normally take to resolve before improvement is seen?
3. Stick with it – Although needed, sometimes therapy can be a difficult process, especially if there are wounds that need healing. Know that you’re in a safe place, and under the care of a trained, licensed professional. If you’ve found the right couples therapist for you, stick with them throughout the entire process. Avoid leaving early; therapy and relationship building will take some time. Focus on one counselor for consistent care. Don’t give up on therapy if the issues are not resolved within the first few weeks. Positive Psychology suggests that couples who stick with therapy show the most improvements long-term.
4. Work on your relationship with both partners – Meaning your partner and your therapist. Have a goal in mind, work towards it, and follow through with it. Let your therapist know what your goals are so they can hold you accountable. Your therapist is here to work with you and your partner and his or her goal is to help improve and strengthen your relationship. Communicate clearly to them if something doesn’t make sense or if you feel misunderstood. Be honest and disclose all information that would be helpful for them to know. Trust them.
A good therapist will understand that what works well for one couple might not for another, so be sure to communicate with them when something isn’t working or doesn’t feel right, and they can adjust their treatment accordingly.
Couples therapy can be beneficial, effective, and can yield long-term positive results when done with a qualified and well-trained professional. With so much at stake, you need to feel comfortable and confident that this professional relationship is a good fit and is in your and your partners’ best interest. You need a counselor who will listen to your concerns, ask the right questions, and essentially know how to resolve them.
As a seasoned therapist, I provide guidance and support for couples counseling, individual therapy, and family therapy. My areas of expertise include adjustment to changes in life, couples counseling, strengthening healthy communication, self-esteem, infertility, career growth, and overall success in life.
I consider all my clients to be more than just another name or simply another consultation. Therapy is a completely individual experience, with deep compassion and absent of any judgment. I provide support and encouragement for each and every one of my clients, including offering resources and strategies that can immediately be put into practice.
Everyone is capable of achieving personal growth and emotional strength, and it will be my absolute honor to guide you on your journey of achieving your goals.
