Written by Janessa M. Borges, LCSW, Naples Oceanside Wellness, LLC
It’s a tale as old as time. You find yourself in a great relationship and then all of a sudden you start to pull away – canceling plans to hang out, not replying to texts, and avoiding any conversation of taking things to the next level until eventually, you end the relationship, or your partner does out of frustration. If this sounds like something you have done or are currently doing, then you might be a self-sabotager when it comes to relationships.
Why We Self-Sabotage
Specific reasons for this behavior can vary from person to person and relationship to relationship. Your past can also affect your actions in a relationship. The most common reason people sabotage their relationship is fear of intimacy – avoiding one’s partner is likely also causing them to avoid the closeness and emotions between the couple.
Everyone longs for intimacy, but for some people, intimacy could stir up negative feelings based on their past experiences. A fear of intimacy typically is caused by difficult or abusive parental relationships and/or childhood trauma (physical, sexual, emotional).
Trauma at an early age, especially trauma in a relationship with a loved one, can lead to the belief that those who love you will eventually hurt you. The lack of control as a child can cause adults to overcompensate as adults – you now have the power to leave or end a relationship…even a good one.
Other types of fear are the fear of abandonment and fear of engulfment that often coincide. Fear of abandonment means that you are worried that those you love will leave you when they are most vulnerable. Fear of engulfment means that you are worried that you will lose your identity or ability to make decisions in the relationship.
Signs of Self-Sabotage in Relationships
There are many ways to identify if you are the type of person to self-sabotage in a relationship. Some of these signs listed below can be abusive and damaging to your partner.
- You always have an exit plan – You avoid growing in a relationship. You aren’t too keen about meeting their parents or moving in together. You try to avoid any type of commitment so that you won’t have financial or emotional consequences when you eventually call it quits.
- You gaslight your partner – Gaslighting happens when you manipulate someone into questioning their sanity, you deny their reality of a situation. If you have ever said, “Oh come on. I never said that”, “You’re just being overly sensitive”, or “I don’t know why you’re making such a big deal out of this…” then you definitely gaslight your partners and don’t truly believe your partners’ feelings are valid.
- You are always dating – Your friends call you a “serial dater” and often ask when you are going to settle down. You nitpick your partner and break up over the smallest things. You spend no time finding another person to date and then it happens all over again. You might even be seen as a “player”.
- You tend to be paranoid or extremely jealous – You always worry that your partner is cheating on you. You want constant contact with your partner so that you can assert your control over the relationship. You can’t handle when they spend time with other people without texting constantly and ask for proof that they’re being faithful.
- You criticize everything they do – You are a perfectionist and are never satisfied. You place blame on every little thing they do. Your partner feels that they can never please you or that they can do nothing right.
- You avoid facing problems – You pretend your relationship is perfect. You avoid at all costs talking about or addressing a problem with your partner. You ignore problems right in front of your face.
- You have sex with other people – Going from affair to affair can be a sign of self-sabotage. You’re doing one of the most hurtful things you can do to a romantic partner in the hopes that they’ll find out and leave you.
- You always tear yourself down – Self-deprecating is your way of coping. You struggle with low self-esteem and your partner has to constantly reassure you that you are good-looking, smart, a good person, etc.
Ending Self-Sabotage
The first step to end self-sabotaging is to look in the mirror. Take a good, long, hard look at yourself and your behavior patterns. If you are not willing to be honest with yourself and admit all the ways you may have abused or hurt past partners, then you are doomed to repeat the cycle.
Therapy can help you to end your self-sabotaging behavior. A professional can help you identify your behaviors, dig to the root of your issues, and find new, healthier ways to behave.
What is your attachment style?
Attachment theory is what explains patterns of behavior with intimate partners. Ideally, the type of attachment you want is a “secure” one. This type of attachment allows for the couple to trust each other and remain individuals in a close and committed relationship.
Traumatic childhood experiences can lead to anxious, avoidant, or disordered attachment styles: these cause issues in adults trying to create a strong relationship and family. Look on the bright side though – you can work towards going from a disordered attachment to a secure style by facing your fears and asking for help to end those false beliefs about relationships.
What are your triggers?
You may not always have a fear of intimacy, it can be non-existent until something triggers you and you begin to self-sabotage. Triggers can be anything – words, actions, or even places. Identifying your triggers can help you to avoid them or work through them to stop the cycle.
Do you confuse the past with the present?
One of the main problems of self-sabotaging is that you create situations in your current relationship similar to ones in the past. A therapist can help you identify this behavior and teach you to say “that was then, this is now,” which will help you make decisions that are based on the present, rather than reacting blindly based on what happened to you in the past.
Discuss the issues
One of the hallmarks of self-sabotage and fear of intimacy is the inability to talk about your feelings and your problems. You avoid talking about these issues because you want to avoid feeling them at all costs. Expressing your emotions, fears and concerns might not be your strong suit but it will help you identify the problems and will help others to understand where you are coming from.
Get The Help You Need
It is okay to get help. Let me say that again, it is OKAY to get help. Seeking therapy, or simply asking a friend to lend an ear is the first step towards freeing yourself from self-sabotaging healthy relationships. Be kind to yourself and accept that everyone needs help once in a while.
