Written by Janessa M. Borges, LCSW, Naples Oceanside Wellness, LLC
Do you ever feel like the closer you try to get to your partner, the further away they get? It’s not just you, this is extremely common in relationships – it’s called the Pursuer-Distancer Dance.
One person continually wants more intimacy, connection, quality time and communication. This would be the Pursuer. The other partner is always retreating when stressed out or in an uncomfortable situation. This is the Distancer. The more the Pursuer pursuers their partner, the more the Distancer pulls away. It’s a cycle that perpetuates itself and can leave you feeling unfulfilled in your relationship, and is the most common cause of couples falling out of love.
But why do we think the Pursuer-Distancer Dance is so common? John Gottman from The Gottman Institute did a study on thousands of couples and found that those who get stuck in this vicious cycle are 80% more likely to file for divorce in the first five years of marriage.
When the Pursuer-Distancer cycle becomes consistent and engrained in a relationship, neither person’s needs are met, and when one’s needs aren’t being met they tend to blame the other person. The blame game only intensifies the unwanted dance. You aren’t having deja vu, you are just having the same argument over and over again and nothing is being resolved. This repetition can lead to resentment, frustration and anger. The downfall of the relationship comes when the Pursuer gets fed up and starts planning to end the relationship; most times, after the Distancer realizes it’s too late to save the relationship.
So, what does a Pursuer look for or need in a relationship? Pursuers want attention, closeness, and affection. If you get into an argument, they want to talk it out and express how they feel. If the partner claims, “I just need space,” most likely a pursuer is going to feel personally rejected.
And what about Distancers? Distancers want space – emotional and physical space. They enjoy independence and are much more likely to become quiet and turn inward when feeling anxious. They may want closeness as well but have a tendency to avoid it, which can be met with criticism from a Pursuer, eventually leading to further withdrawal.
Okay at this point, you get it… the cycle goes on and on and on and on. But how do you break out of this cycle? To have a sustainable loving relationship, each person needs to find a balance between both the Pursuers and Distancer’s needs – closeness and independence.
Probably the hardest part to stopping the dance is the Pursuer figuring out a way to stop the pursuit. They need to learn ways to meet their own emotional needs – essentially self-soothe. Putting more time into creating a life of their own and finding separate interests are helpful. These steps can create a space where their partner feels safe to move towards him or her. The Distancer can do their part by learning to speak up when they feel upset, by being vulnerable and opening up. They could even schedule time with their partner to spend time together and cultivate a connection.
The cycle is broken when the Pursuer’s needs for affection and soothing are met and the Distancer has the space to come forward, trusting they will not be criticized.
